-At the end of last week's post, I said I wanted to do a First Impression review of Beyonce's Lemonade since I had a free Apple Music trial and I thought that album was on there (it's not on Spotify, my preferred music source). However, it wasn't. I'm pretty sure the only streaming source it's on is Tidal. Because of this, I had two choices on what to do for my next post:
A.) Get a free 30-day trial of Tidal, listen to Lemonade, and do a First Impression on it
B.) Find another album that is on Spotify and do a First Impression on that instead
So what did I end up choosing?
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| My God, that's a horrible album cover. |
A.) Next week's post will be a First Impression of Taylor Swift's new album Reputation, and Taylor and Katy have been involved in a feud for quite some time now. You've probably heard all about it by now (even if you don't pay attention to pop culture things like this), but in case you haven't, there are many articles recapping it. I'll link this Time article if you're curious.
B.) I've heard the album just isn't very good (It has a 52/100, indicating "mixed or average" reviews, on Metacritic) and I want to see just how bad it is. I'm expecting it to be bad, but it can't be as bad as that album cover. Just...everything about that image makes me angry. Another thing that hurt the album is just how messy the promotional campaign was. She started off proclaiming the album would be "woke-pop" with lead single "Chained to the Rhythm", only to follow it up with "Bon Appetit", a blatant sex song that can in no way be described as "woke". And that's just the tip of the iceberg. I'm not gonna go into detail on everything that happened. This post isn't called "Why Katy Perry Is Messy And Problematic", it's a review of her latest album. If you're really curious about why it was such a mess, check out this USA Today article documenting it. Now that we've gotten my expectations out of the way, let's review what I expect to be a disaster of an album. Let's just hope we get a few halfway-decent songs...?
(Also one last thing I forgot to mention but I feel the need to since I don't think I'll like this album very much: I DO NOT HATE KATY PERRY. I used to be a massive fan of hers. "Firework" was my anthem in third grade and I firmly believe that "Teenage Dream" is one of the best pop songs of all time. Hell, I've even seen her movie twice! I like quite a few of her songs, I just think her music's gone downhill in quality.)
1. "Witness"
We start with the title track. Right off the bat, the intro weirdly reminds me of the intro of "Slide" by Calvin Harris. Katy's vocals in this song are actually pretty solid, especially her lower register in the verses. The beat in the chorus is great and I really like the whistling in the outro. I'm not crazy about the production in the prechorus, which feels a little sloppy. This song is about how Katy's looking for someone to love her even though her life as a pop star is hectic. This is actually a pretty good song. Maybe this album is better than people have given it credit for. 7.5/10
2. "Hey Hey Hey"
This one is a mixed bag for me. I want to like it more than I do. Once again, I like the beat and Katy sounds pretty good. She does this one high note in the second pre-chorus that was surprisingly good. I like the message of this one, which is saying that she's not weak like people say she is. The problem is that some of the lyrics themselves are pretty embarrassing. She actually uses "LOL" in one of the lines, which just screams "lame-soccer-mom-trying-to-be-cool", and the part where she refers to her "chubby little wallet" made me face-palm. Is "chubby" really the best word she could've chosen there? The melody in the chorus is also weird and not catchy but the "no-o-o-oh, no way" part redeems it. Overall this song has some good qualities and some bad ones, so it averages out to a 6/10.
3. "Roulette"
The intro to this one reminds me of that 80's song "The Final Countdown". The beat from this one has an EDM vibe that I like. Katy's vocals on this song are some of the best I've heard from her. This is a song about letting your guard down and having fun and the lyrics are actually pretty decent. The only thing I don't get is how letting your guard down relates to the game of roulette. This song is catchy and I feel like it could be a single. 7.5/10
4. "Swish Swish" ft. Nicki Minaj
And speaking of singles, we have "Swish Swish", which was a single. This song is an alleged diss track towards Taylor Swift, and even as someone who hates Taylor's diss track "Bad Blood", this is just pathetic. The first time I heard this song I bust out laughing at how lame some of the lyrics are. "Don't need opinions from a shellfish or a sheep"? I get that "A tiger never loses sleep over the opinions of sheep" is an idiom, but what does a shellfish have to do with it? Then we have "You're about as cute as an old coupon expired" which is just...what? The lyrics also feel like she wrote it just to get the reaction of "OMG SLAY QUEEN SHE DID THAT", and it yet again reeks of "lame-soccer-mom-trying-to-be-cool". I don't hate this song since the beat and Nicki's part are both really good, but it's a shame they were wasted on this song. Also, the video is just as lame as the song except for the part where she used the "Shooting Star" meme. That was actually pretty funny. 5/10
5. "Deja Vu"
Once again, the beat in this song is really good. The production is easily the highlight of this album so far, even if the beats have started to blend together at this point. This song sounds really good and the melody in the chorus is great. I just wish it had different lyrics. "Your words are like Chinese water torture" is one of the most baffling lines I've ever heard. I also don't get the "Figure out the Rubik's cube" line in the chorus. Once again, this song would be really good if it has different lyrics, but the lyrics knock down the score by a few points. 5.5/10
6. "Power"
I find it funny how after I complain that the beats on this album are starting to blend together, this song comes along. This is by far the most unique and interesting song on the album production-wise. The aggressive drum beats before the chorus and the weird sax samples are pretty awesome. This song is about being strong and independent and proving your worth. To my surprise, they're not cliche-ridden and there are actually a few pretty good lines. A song like this needs a strong, confident performance, and Katy sells it. This one is a little experimental and weird, so I can't see it being a single, but I like it. 8/10
7. "Mind Maze"
Just from looking at the title, I have no idea what to expect from this song. Genius says this song "is about losing your track and trying to find your way out of a situation in which it is a difficult choice between something." This is probably the worst song yet because of the unnecessary autotune. I don't have that much of a problem with autotune normally, but here it's just sloppily applied and it doesn't sound good. The beat was also boring at first, but the switch-up in the bridge was pretty cool. Finally, I hate how abruptly the song ends. I was expecting an epic final chorus to somewhat redeem the song, but I didn't get that. This song was not my thing and the autotune ruined it for me. 4.5/10
8. "Miss You More"
On second thought, maybe this is the worst song on the album thus far. It's not that it's unlistenable, it's more that it's just boring. It's not catchy at all and the beat doesn't stand out at all. The chorus is lazy, repetitive, and cliche. Katy sounds really bored as well for most of the song. She doesn't sound like she cares at all, although the falsetto at the end is pretty. The lyrics in the verses are also really weak. Maybe it's just that I don't like Katy doing ballads. The only slow song I've heard from her that I've liked is "Wide Awake". This song has none of the classic Katy charm I've come to expect from her and I will probably never listen to it again. 3.5/10
9. "Chained to the Rhythm" ft. Skip Marley
Here's the lead single of the album, and honestly I liked this one until I looked at the lyrics. It has a really catchy chorus and a slight disco vibe. Katy gives a great performance and featured guest Skip Marley adds an interesting reggae vibe for the bridge. But the lyrics, man. They're not bad because of cringey lines, they're bad because of how hypocritical they are. This song is about how we're all distracted by pop culture to focus on what really matters. Meanwhile, Katy is one of the biggest pop culture icons on the planet.. She is part of the distraction. She should not be the one to make this song. This is a good song ruined by bad lyrics, which I'm discovering is a common theme in this album. 6/10
10. "Tsunami"
This was the song on the tracklist I expected to be the best since I love the word "tsunami", but I'm extremely disappointed. This song compares having sex to a tsunami, which is just a baffling metaphor. The chorus doesn't sound like a chorus, it sounds more like a buildup to a better chorus. The beat is also boring and unoriginal. Katy sounds really bored, which I'm discovering to be the case for a lot of these songs. This song tries to be sensual but it fails, and I wish this song was way better than it is. 4.5/10
11. "Bon Appetit" ft. Migos
I briefly touched on this one in the intro, but I have a plethora of problems with this song. Let's look at them:
1.) The single cover art, which looks like it was made in Microsoft Paint:
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| HOW DID ANYONE APPROVE THIS? |
3.) After spending the past few years acting as a gay icon, she collaborates with rap group Migos, who have a past of being homophobic.
4.) Speaking of the collaboration, this song was rumored to feature Ariana Grande, who is one of my favorite celebrities. She wasn't, and I was extremely disappointed. As disgusting as these lyrics are ("Got me spread like a buffet" is a terrible innuendo and legitimately makes me consider giving up Golden Corral permanently), they would maybe sound better coming out of Ariana's mouth...maybe?
5.) She wasted one of the best beats on the album on the worst set of lyrics on the album. The difference in quality between the beat and the lyrics is astounding. It's like if she took an instrumental made by some of the greatest musicians of all time and started singing the contents of Donald Trump's Twitter feed over it.
6.) The chorus isn't catchy, which is a cardinal sin of pop music. Isn't the whole point of a pop song to be catchy?
7.) The music video, which I haven't even seen, but I've heard from numerous places that it is gross and terrifying. It has Katy Perry dressing as a "sexy" chicken cutlet and being eaten by Migos, apparently. I'm glad I haven't seen it.
So yeah, this is one of, if not the worst, songs on the album. 2.5/10
12. "Bigger Than Me"
The intro to this one sounds just like the intro to "Bon Appetit" in a different key. Genius says this song was apparently inspired by Hillary Clinton's loss in the 2016 presidential election, and I don't see how. This one is really boring and unmemorable. I won't be able to recall how it goes unless I listen to it another time. The final chorus of the song is particularly disappointing. The final chorus is where the song climaxes, where the beat reaches its peak intensity and the vocalist is really supposed to bring their A-game. This song doesn't have that and it's a complete letdown. But hey, aside from a few songs, this entire album has been a letdown. 3.5/10
13. "Save As Draft"
I talked about this one in the first First Impressions post (I feel like I'm ALWAYS plugging that post in every one I've done after it) and I was pretty unkind to it (it got the lowest score out of all the songs on there). My opinions haven't changed and I'm really lazy so I'm just going to copy and paste what I said there here:
"Oh, Katy Perry, what happened to you? Her first two albums were full of bops but after that, she's struggled. Her music just isn't as fun and catchy as it used to be, and she's really problematic. The only good thing she's done in the past three years is "Feels" with Calvin Harris. This current era of Katy Perry has been particularly weak. I have yet to hear a song from Witness I've liked, and this is probably her most uninteresting song to date. The beat is boring, it's not catchy, and the lyrics make no sense. I still love Katy's old music, but this is just weak and I know she can do better. 3.5/10"
Although honestly after listening to everything else on this snoozefest, I'm not sure I'd say it's her most uninteresting song to date. It's got some stiff competition for that title.
14. "Pendulum"
Oh my god, it's a song on here that doesn't make me want to fall asleep! This one's actually pretty decent and I can see it becoming a single. I love a good gospel choir every now and then, and this one's got some really good backing vocals that interestingly contrast with the pop-trap production. It's also nice to see Katy sound interested in what she's singing after so many songs of her sounding bored. The lyrics are also not terrible for once! This song is like "Chained to the Rhythm", but the GOOD version. 7.5/10
15. "Into Me You See"
Finally we've reached the last song! This album is way too long. They could've cut it in half and it would've been for the better. So how does it end? Boringly! This is a bare-bones piano ballad and it's extremely dull. According to Genius, Katy said this is her most personal song on the album, but she sounds uninterested like she does on most of the other songs on the album. The lyrics are also really baffling. Why is there a reference to "open sesame" in the chorus of what is supposed to be an emotional piano ballad? This song is a chore to listen to, and "Pendulum" would be a better album closer. 3.5/10
It's over. Finally. Honestly, this album was even worse than I was expecting. I predicted it would be a gloriously messy trainwreck, but the majority of these songs were just ungodly-boring. I genuinely loathed listening to this album and I found myself consistently praying for it to be over.
Best Songs: "Power", "Witness", "Roulette", and "Pendulum"
Worst Songs: Pretty much everything else, but especially "Bon Appetit", "Miss You More", "Save As Draft", and "Into Me You See"
I added up my scores for all of the songs, and found the album's overall average is a 5/10, which feels way too high. A more accurate score is a 3.5/10. Yeah, there are decent songs, but there are only a few and they don't even compare to some of Katy's previous hits like "Teenage Dream" or "California Gurls". I tried to keep an open mind since I've been a fan of Katy's in the past, but this is honestly the worst album I've ever listened to and I wouldn't recommend it at all. The only songs I would recommend are the ones I listed for "Best Songs" and you can skip everything else. Next week, I've got a First Impression-style review of Reputation by Taylor Swift, which will be very similar in format to this one. Honestly, that album will probably be way better than this, and I don't even like Taylor Swift! I'm Stellar in Neverland, I don't like this album, and I'm signing off. See you next Wednesday, peace!
Stellar
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